You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
