Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
