someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
