Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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