do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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