ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize