You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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