So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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