i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
