I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
