Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
