I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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