its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize
