is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
