I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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