oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
