I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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