So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
