trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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