I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
