I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She even gives head with a lisp.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
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