you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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