the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
