I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
