u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
