sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
