Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
