just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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