there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
