Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
