Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize