K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
be right there i have to get my cape
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
