I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I want to be your penis for a week.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Randomize
