Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
