and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
