a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
