i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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