Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
