im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
The uberlube is also flammable
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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