nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
