dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
