i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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