She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
