shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
