my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
