Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
The Olympian is in my bed
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
