I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
