I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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