i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
