my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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