Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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