Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
