My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
