On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
