In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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