Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You've changed since you got that strap on
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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