ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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