I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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