Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
