dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
